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The Ballad of Throat Culture
Phoebe Kruetz

I wish I was in a band.
Being a solo singer makes me blue
So if you want to join my band
here's what I can offer you.

We'd be called Throat Culture
and we'd start off small.
We'd play in Scranton, Pennsylvania
at the Shriners Hall.

We'd get discovered,
in a smokey bar.
by some British guy named, Nygel
says he'll make us all a star

and we'd say, fuck that, man
we're not about the fame. We don't need
to suck like Creed, or someone just as lame
All across the land, cause we're a rock n roll band.

So Nygel talks us in, move to LA
in the studio be slavin' every night and every day.
Until the label says, We should replace
our funny looking bassist with a marketable face

and we say, fuck that, man. Oh man don't even try
Bobs been with us since we started, we don't mind
his lazy eye or his disfigured hand. Cause we're a rock n roll band.

So Bob's replacement guy, is called the Blade.
He's always wearing leather and he's always getting laid.
We share our vicodin, he shares cocaine, by the time the tour has started
no one's feeling any pain.

the label named the tour, 'the tour of doom'
but they kick all the teenagers out of the dressing room.
these girls are old enough, to throw bras on stage.
but we're not supposed to love them, because they're underage

and we say, fuck that, man. We're all about our people.
I don't need to see her ID when i can clearly see her ???
plus she's nicely tan, and we're a rock n roll band.

I develop a heroin addiction.
You develop an aversion to the sun.
we both contract a syphilis affliction
Now tell me if that doesn't sound like fun?

I'm always so coked up
i'm missing shows.
I get so wasted at the Grammys
I punch J-Lo in the nose.

When we play Omaha,
we start a riot,
but you get pissed when i throw Nygel
through the window at the Hyatt.

You come to my place
to intervene
you find me hanging by the pool house
shooting smack with Ben Berene

You say i've gone downhill
since rags to riches
it used to be about the homies
now its all about the bitches

and i say, fuck you man,
you motherfucking sellout,
you were nothing when i found you
at the sidewalk, so get the hell out
don't you know who i am?
GEt out of my rock n roll BAND!

So if you want to join my band.
do all the things that i have planned
leave your number cause you can clearly see
that you oughta be, in a rock n roll band
with me.


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Lyrics by Phoebe Kruetz

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