The Poodle Lecture
Frank Zappa

FZ:

In the beginning God made 'the light.' Shortly thereafter God made three big
mistakes. The first mistake was called MAN, the second mistake was called
WO-MAN, and the third mistake was the invention of THE POODLE. Now the reason
the poodle was such a big mistake is because God originally wanted to build a
Schnauzer, but he fucked up. Now a long time ago, the poodle used to be a very
attractive dog. The poodle had hair evenly distributed all over its small
piquant canine type BODY. That's the way it used to be, the poodle used to be a
regular looking dog. You know it's true, I guess you do too. (Oh, I have to
kiss you? Oh okay.)

Anyway listen, check this out. The poodle used to look good, you know the
regular dogs that used to hang out in the neighbourhood looked at the poodle,
didn't think anything of it. You know, they didn't use to make fun of it in the
olden days. But the WO-MAN, as you know, has always been much smarter than the
MAN.

Guy In The Audience:

You're the best!

FZ:

That stuff is very bad for you, throw it away, okay. Now you're interrupting my
story, now listen . . . What is that? Is that the Tower of Power or what? Oh no
no, it's one of those dope fiend devices, take it away. Now listen:

The WO-MAN has always been much smarter than the MAN, you know this is true.
And so it was since the beginning of time. The MAN would do anything to get
some pussy. And that's why the WO-MAN always had control over him.

In the beginning the WO-MAN looked the MAN directly into the eye and said: I
tell you what, why don't you go get a job because I could use a few nice things
around the house. Mainly what I need is a clipper, a scissors, and a pair of
zircon encrusted tweezers. (Thank you very much.)

And of course the MAN did his duty as they say in the trade. He went out and he
got a goddamn job. Went out and pushed that broom around for about a
dollar-2.98 an hour, brought his money back to the garden of Eden and gave that
money to the WO-MAN.

The WO-MAN ran out the back door of the garden of Eden, went directly to the
hardware store, got the clippers, the scissors and the zircon encrusted
tweezers and came back and, while the MAN was very tired from having his job,
while he was sleeping, the WO-MAN got a hold of the POODLE. Because the WO-MAN
had noticed earlier that the length and proportion of the poodle oral
appendage, the tongue of the dog in other words, ladies and gentlemen, was very
much to her liking, except that this dog had too goddamn much hair on it. It
didn't have the disco look that's so popular nowadays.

And so the WO-MAN sat out to modify the aforementioned dog. Let me get a little
uh, visual aid . . .

Now she took the dog and she cleaned it up a little bit. You see, she took a
little bit of the back-part here, around the neck, the thorax, the tootsies.
Got all of the unwanted extranious material off this area which we shall call
Burbank. Then she set the little sucker up like this, really nice, got his
mouth set up like that. And squatted right ON HIM. Looking down into the dog's
eyes. She looked down into the dog's eyes, do you know what she said to the
dog? She said:


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Lyrics by Frank Zappa

  "A Different Octave"   "A Kayak (On Snow)"   "A Very Nice Body"   "Attack! Attack! Attack!"   "Dark Water!"   "Don't Eat There"   "Don't Take Me Down"   "Flowing Inside-Out"   "Have You Ever Heard Their Band?"   "Here Comes The Gear, Lads"   "How The Pigs' Music Works"   \   \"No No No\"   & Quot;No No No & Quot ;   "A Different Octave"   "A Kayak (On Snow)"   "A Very Nice Body"   "Attack! Attack! Attack!"   "Cold Light Generation"   "Dark Water!"   "Don't Eat There"   "Don't Take Me Down"   "Flowing Inside-Out"   "Have You Ever Heard Their Band?"   "Here Comes The Gear, Lads"   "How The Pigs' Music Works"   200 Years Old   50 \/ 50   50/50   9/8 Objects   9\/8 Objects   A Bunch Of Adventures   A Diffrent Octave   A Few Moments With Brother A. West   A Game Of Cards   A Great Guy   A Kayak ( On Snow )   A Little Green Rosetta   A Nun Suit Painted On Some Old Boxes   A Pound for a Brown   A Pound For A Brown (On The Bus)   A Pound For A Brown On The Bus   A Small Eternity With Yoko Ono   A Token Of My Extreme   A Tunnel Into Muck   A Typical Sound Check   A Version Of Himself   A Very Nice Body   Absolutely Free   Absolutely Free [Instrumental]   Advance Romance   Agency Man   Alien Orifice   Alley Cat   Almost Chinese   America Drinks   America Drinks & Goes Home   America Drinks & Goes Home   America Drinks & Goes Home   Amnerika   Amnesia Vivace   Ancient Armaments   Andy   Any Downers?   Any Kind Of Pain   Any Way The Wind Blows   Any Way The Wind Blows (in album Cruising With Rub...   Any Way The Wind Blows (in album Cruising With Rub...   Anything   Anyway The Wind Blows   Apostrophe   Apostrophe(')   Approximate   Are You Hung Up   Are You Hung Up?   Are You Upset?   Artificial Rhonda   At The Gas Station   Attack! Attack! Attack!   Babbette   Babette   Baby Snakes   Baby, Take Your Teeth Out   Bacon Fat   Bad Acting   Baked - Bean Boogie   Baked-Bean Boogie   Bamboozled By Love   Be - Bop Tango   Be In My Video   Be-Bop Tango   Be-Bop Tango (Of The Old Jazzmen's Church)   Be-bop Tango (Of The Old Jazzmen's Church)   Beat It With Your Fist   Beauty Knows No Pain   Beer Shampoo   Big Leg Emma   Billie The Mountain   Billy The Mountain   Bit Of Nostalgia   Black Napkins   Black Napkins (The Deathless Horsie)   Black Page   Bobby Brown   Bobby Brown Goes Down   Bogus Pomp   Botulism On The Hoof   Bow Tie Daddy   Briefcase Boogie   Broken Hearts Are For Assholes   Brown Moses   Brown Shoes Don't Make It   Brown Shoes Don't Make It (in album Tinseltown Reb...   Brown Shoes Don't Make It   But Who Was Fulcanelli?   Bwana Dik   Call Any Vegetable   Call Any Vegetable (in album Just Another Band Fro...   Camarillo Brillo   Camirillo Brillo   Can't Afford No Shoes   Can't Afford No Shoes   Canadian Customs   Canard Du Jour   Canarsie   Carol, You Fool   Carolina Hard - Core Ecstasy   Carolina Hard-Core Ecstasy   Carolina Hard-Core Ecstasy (in album You Can't Do ...   Catholic Girls   Centerville   Chalk Pie   Champagne Lecture   Chana In De Bushwop   Charles Ives   Charlie's Enormous Mouth   Charlie's Enormous Mouth   Charva   Cheap Thrills   Cheepnis   Childish Perversions   Chocolate Halvah   Chunga's Revenge   Church Chat   City Of Tiny Lights   City Of Tiny Lites   City Of Tiny Lites (in album You Can't Do That On ...   Cletus Awreetus-Awrightus   Clowns On Velvet   Cocaine Decisions   Cock - Suckers' Ball   Cock-Suckers' Ball   Cold Light Generation   Concentration Moon   Concentration Moon, Part One   Concentration Moon, Part Two   Conehead   Cops & Buns   Cops & Buns   Cops Buns   Cosmik Debris   Cosmik Debris [Basic Tracks - Take 3]   Cradle Rock   Cruising For Burgers   Cucamonga   Daddy, Daddy, Daddy   Dance Contest   Dancin' Fool   Dancin' Fool   Dark Water!   Dead Girls Of London   Dear Jeepers   Deathless Horsie   Debra Kadabra   Dental Hygeine Dilemma   Dental Hygiene Dilemma   Deseri   Dew On The Newts We Got   Dickie's Such An Asshole   Didja Get Any Onya?   Dinah-Moe Humm   Dinah-Moe-Hum   Diptheria Blues   Directly From My Heart To You   Dirty Love   Disco Boy   Diseases Of The Band   Divan   Do Not Pass Go   Do Not Try This At Home   Do You Like My New Car?   Does This Kind Of Life Look Interesting To You?   Dog Breath   Dog Breath, In The Year Of The Plague   Don't Eat The Yellow Snow   Don't You Ever Wash That Thing?   Don't Eat The Yellow Snow   Don't You Ever Wash That Thing?   Dong Work For Yuda   Doreen   Doreen (in album You Can't Do That On Stage Anymor...   Drafted Again   Drooling Midrange Accountants On Easter Hay   Drop Dead   Drowning Witch   Drums Are Too Noisy   Duke Of Prunes   Dumb All Over   Dummy Up   Easy Meat   Echidna's Arf   Echidna's Arf (Of You)   Echidna's Arf   Eddie Are You Kidding?   Eddie, Are You Kidding?   Electric Aunt Jemima   Elvis Has Just Left The Building   Epilogue   Evelyn, A Modified Dog   Every Time I See You   Excentrifugal Forz   F.Z./JCB Drum Duet   F.Z.\/JCB Drum Duet   Farther O'Blivion   Father O'bliviion   Father O'Blivion   Father O'blivion   Fembot In A Wet T-shirt   Fifty - Fifty   Fifty-Fifty   Find Her Finer   Fine Girl   Flakes   Flambay   Florentine Pogen   Flower Punk   Flowing Inside - Out   Flowing Inside-Out   Food Gathering In Post-industrial America, 1992   For Calvin   For Calvin (And His Next Two Hitch-Hikers)   For Duane   For The Young Sophisticate   Fountain Of Love   Friendly Little Finger   Friendly Little Finger [Instrumental]   Frogs With Dirty Little Lips   Galoot up - Date   Galoot Up-Date   Gee, I Like Your Pants   Geneva Farewell   German Lunch   Get A Little   Go Cry On Somebody Else's Shoulder   Go Cry On Somebody Else's Shoulder   Goa   Goblin Girl   God Bless America   Going For The Money   Half A Dozen Provocative Squats   Handsome Cabin Boy   Happy Together   Happy Together (Bonner\/Gordon)   Harder Than Your Husband   Harry - as - a - Boy   Harry & Rhonda   Harry & Rhonda   Harry Rhonda   Harry-As-A-Boy   Harry, You're A Beast   Harry, You're A Beast   He Used To Cut The Grass   He's Right   He's So Gay   He's Watching Us   He's Right   He's Watching Us   Heavenly Bank Account   Heavy Duty Judy   Help, I'm A Rock   Help, I'm A Rock   Here Comes The Gear, Lads   Here Lies Love   Hitch Hike   Holding The Group Back   Holiday In Berlin   Honey, Don't You Want A Man Like Me?   Honey, Don't You Want A Man Like Me?   Hordern Intro (Incan Art Vamp)   Hot & Stupid   Hot Plate Heaven At The Green Hotel   Hot Poop   Hot-plate Heaven At The Green Hotel   Hotel Atlanta Incidentals   Hound Dog   How Could I Be Such a Fool   How Could I Be Such A Fool (in album Cruising With...   How Could I Be Such A Fool (in album Cruising With...   How Could I Be Such A Fool?   How The Pigs' Music Works   How's Your Bird   How's Your Bird?   How's Your Bird   Hungry Freaks, Daddy   I Ain't Got No Heart   I Ain't Got No Heart (in album Tinseltown Rebellio...   I Ain't Got No Heart   I Come From Nowhere   I Don't Even Care   I Don't Wanna Get Drafted   I Had A Dream About That   I Have Been In You   I Promise Not To Come In Your Mouth   I Wish Motorhead Would Come Back   I'm A Beautiful Guy   I'm Not Satisfied   I'm Not Satisfied (in album Cruising With Ruben & ...   I'm Not Satisfied (in album Cruising With Ruben &a...   I'm So Cute   I'm Stealing The Towels   I'm The Slime   I'm So Happy I Could Cry   Ian Underwood Whips It Out   If Only She Woulda   If We'd All Been Living In California...   In France   In Your Mouth   Inca Roads   Invocation & Ritual Dance of The Young Pumpkin   Invocation And Ritual Dance Of The Young Pumpkin   It Can't Happen Here   It Just Might Be a One - Shot Deal   It Just Might Be A One-Shot Deal   Janet's Big Dance Number   JCB & Kansas On The Bus #1   JCB & Kansas On The Bus #2   JCB & Kansas On The Bus #1   JCB & Kansas On The Bus #2   Jcb Kansas on The Bus #1   Jcb Kansas on The Bus #2   Jelly Roll Gum Drop   Jesus Thinks You're A Jerk   Jewish Princess   Jezebel Boy   Joe's Garage   Joe's Garage   Johnny Darling   Jones Crusher   Jumbo Go Away   Just One More Time   Kaiser Rolls   Kaiser Rolls (Du Jour)   Kangaroos   Keep It Greasey   Keep It Greasy   Kenny's Booger Story   King Kong   Later That Night   Latex Solar Beef   Lemme Take You To The Beach   Let's Make The Water Turn Black   Let's Move To Cleveland   Letter From Jeepers   Library Card   Like It Or Not   Little Girl Of Mine   Little Green Scratchy Sweaters & Courduroy Ponce   Little Green Scratchy Sweaters & Courduroy Pon...   Little Green Scratchy Sweaters Courduroy Ponce   Little House I Used To Live In   Little House I Used To Live In (in album Fillmore ...   Little Rubber Girl   Lonely Little Girl   Lonely Little Girl [Instrumental]   Lonesome Cowboy Burt   Lonesome Cowboy Nando   Lonesome Electric Turkey   Lost in a Whirlpool   Louie Louie   Love Of My Life   Love of My Life [Alternative Version]   Love Story   Lucille Has Messed My Mind Up   Lumpy Gravy I   Magdalena   Magic Fingers   Make A Sex Noise   Man With The Woman Head   Marqueson's Chicken   Mary Lou   Master Ringo   Memories Of El Monte (1962)   Meow   Moggio   Mom & Dad   Mom & Dad   Mom Dad   Montana   More Trouble Every Day   Mother People   Motherly Love   Mount St. Mary's Concert Excerpt   Mozart Ballet - Piano Sonata in B flat   Mr. Green Genes   Ms. Pinky   MsPinky   Mudd Club   Mudd Club (in album Thing-Fish)   Muffin Man   Murder By Numbers   My Guitar Wants To Kill Your Mama   My Guitar Wants To Kill Your Mama (in album You Ca...   My Head?   Mystery Roach   N - Lite   Nanook Rubs It   Nasal Retentive Calliope Music   Nig Biz   No Not Now   No Not Now (in album Thing-fish)   No Waiting For The Peanuts To Dissolve   No, No Cherry   Oh No   On The Bus   Our Bizarre Relationship   Outside Now   Outside Now (in album Broadway The Hard Way)   Packard Goose   Panty Rap   Peaches En Regalia   Peaches III   Penis Dimension   Piano/Drum Duet   Piano\/Drum Duet   Pick Me, I'm Clean   Pinocchio's Furniture   Planet Of My Dreams   Planet Of The Baritone Women   Plastic People   Po - Jama People   Po-Jama People   Poofter's Froth Wyoming Plans Ahead   Porn Wars   Prelude To The Afternoon Of A Sexually Aroused Gas...   Progress?   Prologue   Promiscuous   Proto - Minimalism   Proto-Minimalism   Punky's Whips   Put A Little Motor In 'em   Pygmy Twylyte   Rat Tomago   Redneck Eats   Religious Superstition   Return of The Hunch - Back Duke   Return Of The Hunch-Back Duke   Return of the Son of Shut Up 'N Play Yer Guitar   Rhymin' Man   Ride My Face to Chicago   Right There   Road Ladies   Ronnie Sings?   Ronnie's Booger Story   Room Service   Rubber Shirt   Rudy Wants To Buy Yez A Drink   Run Home Slow: Main Title Theme   Ruthie - Ruthie   Saliva Can Only Take So Much   Sam With The Showing Scalp Flat Top   San Ber'dino   Satumaa   Scrutinizer Postlude   Scum Bag   Semi-Fraudulent/Direct-From-Hollywood Overture   Semi-Fraudulent\/Direct-From-Hollywood Overture   Sex   Shall We Take Ourselves Seriously?   Sharleena   She Painted Up Her Face   Shove It Right In   Shut Up 'N Play Yer Guitar   Shut Up 'N Play Yer Guitar Some More   Sleep Dirt   Sleeping In A Jar   Smell My Beard   Society Pages   Sofa #1   Sofa #2   Soft - Sell Conclusion   Soft-Sell Conclusion   Someplace Else Right Now   Son Of MrGreen Genes   Son Of Orange County   Son Of Suzy Creamcheese   Soup 'n Old Clothes   Spider Of Destiny   St Alphonzo's Pancake Breakfast   St. Alphonzo's Pancake Breakfast   StAlfonzo s Pancake Breakfast   Status Back Baby   Stevie's Spanking   Stick It Out   Stick Together   Stink Foot   Stink-Foot   Strictly Genteel (The Finale)   Stuff Up The Cracks   Suicide Chump   Sy Borg   T**ties & Beer   Take Me Out To The Ball Game   Take Your Clothes Off When You Dance   Tears Began To Fall   Teen - Age Prostitute   Teen-Age Prostitute   Teen-Age Wind   Teenage Wind   Telephone Conversation   Tell Me You Love Me   Tengo Na Minchia Tanta   Texas Medley   That Evil Prince   That Would Be The End Of That   The World's Greatest Sinner   The 'Torchum' Never Stops   The Air   The Birth of Captain Beefheart   The Black Page   The Black Page Drum Solo/Black Page #1   The Black Page Drum Solo\/Black Page #1   The Blackouts   The Blue Light   The Booger Man   The Central Scrutinizer   The Closer You Are   The Crab - Grass Baby   The Crab-Grass Baby   The Dangerous Kitchen   The Dead Girls Of London   The Dick Kunc Story   The Downtown Talent Scout   The Duke Of Prunes   The Duke Regains His Chops   The Evil Prince   The Florida Airport Tape   The Girl Wants To Fix Him Some Broth   The Girl's Dream   The Grand Wazoo   The Groupie Routine   The Gumbo Variations   The Idiot Bastard Son   The Illinois Enema Bandit   The Jazz Discharge Party Hats   The Jimmy Carl Black Philosophy Lesson   The Lad Searches The Night For His Newts   The Little March   The M.O.I. Anti-Smut Loyalty Oath   The Madison Panty-Sniffing Festival   The Mammy Nuns   The Man From Utopia   The Man From Utopia Meets Mary Lou   The Massive Improve'lence   The Meek Shall Inherit Nothing   The Meek Shall Inherit Nothing (in album Thing-Fis...   The Motel Room   The Mud Shark   The Nancy & Mary Music   The Nancy & Mary Music   The Nancy Mary Music   The Orange County Lumber Truck   The Pigs' Music   The Radio Is Broken   The Rejected Mexican Pope Leaves The Stage   The Return Of The Son Of Monster Magnet   The Sealed Tuna Bolero   The Sheik Yerbouti Tango   The Torture Never Stops   The Torture Never Stops (in album You Can't Do Tha...   The Uncle Meat Variations   The Untouchables   The Voice Of Cheese   The White Boy Troubles   The Worst Reviews   Them Or Us   Theme From The 3rd Mvmt Of \   Theme From The 3rd Mvmt Of \"Sinister Footwear\"   Theme from The 3rd Mvmt of & Quot;Sinister Foo...   They Made Me Eat It   This Ain't CNN   This Is All Wrong   This Is Phaze I I I   This is Phaze III   This Town is a Sealed Tuna Sandwich   This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Prologue)   This Town Is A Sealed Tuna Sandwich (Reprise)   Tiger Roach   Time Is Money   Tink Walks Amok   Tinseltown Rebellion   Tiny Sick Tears   Titties 'N' Beer   Titties & Beer   Titties & Beer   Titties Beer   Toads Of The Short Forest   Transylvania Boogie   Trouble Every Day   Trouble Every Day (in album Does Humor Belong In M...   Trouble Every Day (in album You Can't Do That On S...   Truck Driver Divorce   Tryin' To Grow A Chin   Tuna Fish Promenade   Tush Tush Tush   Twenty Small Cigars   Uncle Bernie's Farm   Uncle Remus   Uncle Remus [Mix Outtake]   Undaunted, The Band Plays On   Underground Freak - Out Music   Underground Freak-Out Music   Valarie   Valley Girl   Variations on the Carlos Santana Secret Chord Prog...   Very Distraughtening   Village Of The Sun   Watermelon In Easter Hay   Watermelon In Eastern Hay   We Are Not Alone   We Can Shoot You   We Gotta Get Into Something Real   We're Turning Again   Weasels Ripped My Flesh   Wet T - Shirt Nite   Wet T-Shirt Nite   What Ever Happened To All The Fun In The World   What Kind Of Girl Do You Think We Are?   What Kind Of Girl?   What Will This Evening Bring Me This Morning   What's New In Baltimore?   What's The Ugliest Part Of Your Body?   What's The Ugliest Part Of Your Body? (Reprise)   When The Lie's So Big   Where Is Johnny Velvet?   Where's Our Equipment?   Whippin' Post   Whippin' Post (in album Does Humor Belong In Music...   White Ugliness   Who Are The Brain Police?   Who Needs The Peace Corps?   Who Needs the Peace Corps? [Instrumental]   Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?   Why Don't You Like Me?   Why Don'tcha Do Me Right?   Why Johnny Can't Read   Why Not?   Wild Love   Willie The Pimp   Willie The Pimp (in album You Can't Do That On Sta...   Willie The Pimp Part One & Willie The Pimp Part Tw...   Wind Up Workin' In A Gas Station   Wind Up Workin' In The Gas Station   Wind Up Working In A Gas Station   Wistful With a Fist - Full   Wistful With A Fist-Full   Won Ton On   Wonderful Tattoo!   Wonderful Wino   Would You Go All The Way?   Would You Like A Snack?   Wowie Zowie   WPLJ   Xmas Values   Ya Hozna   Yo Cats   Yo' Mama   You Are What You Is   You Are What You Is (in album Thing-fish)   You Call That Music?   You Didn't Try To Call Me   You Didn't Try To Call Me (in album Cruising With ...   You Didn't Try To Call Me (in album Cruising With ...   You're Just Insultin' Me, Aren't You!   You're Probably Wondering Why I'm Here   Your Mouth   Zomby Woof   Zoot Allures   Zoot Allures [Instrumental]

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